A New Mexico Summer's Day in the 2000s

Queer military brat nostalgia

Painting by the author depicting the moment described at the beginning of this post.

I think it was the New Mexican summer when I was about fifteen. My friend Tabi, whom I'd known since age 12 in Texas, had since moved to Italy, was visiting—not visiting me, though! She visited another military brat we went to school with in San Antonio. Her name was Amanda, and she was a grade younger. She was good friends with Tabi. I don't think I knew before Tabi came to visit that Amanda had also ended up on Kirtland AFB.

Tabi had arrived, and I was supposed to meet her and Amanda at a bowling alley on base. I remember looking in the mirror. I was wearing a Kelly-green punk band t-shirt and loose camo pants. At this point in my life, I was still pretty thin. I was on the varsity Track & Field team, a badge I wore with honor, even though I went to a private school with no athletic reputation in the city.

My hair was dirty blonde, but a brighter blonde around the edges of my face. I was wearing one of those popular ball-chain necklaces in the early 2000s and interlocking black rubber bracelets. You know the ones! I also had on fake Converse that I had drawn all over.

I looked solemnly into my dark hazel eyes. I felt like I looked kind of like a boy if I held my back just right to hide the shape of my chest deeper in my oversized shirt. I liked it. I really enjoyed looking androgynous then, even though I didn't know that word yet, and I don't know if anyone else ever viewed me that way. I just knew I liked not looking like a girl.

I wondered if my friends would notice. For the first time in my life, I had been actively identifying as bisexual, even if only myself and a couple of friends knew. I wondered if they'd be able to tell. Did I look like I liked girls? How do you project that? Did I want to? I didn't like Tabi or Amanda like that, but I still wondered if it was a visible thing that they or anyone could see on my face.

I don't remember how I got to the bowling alley. My mom must have dropped me off because I don't think I knew where it was before this day. I walked in. Tabi and Amanda were standing in the entryway, and I think there was another girl too, but I don't remember her at all outside of her presence. To my surprise and satisfaction, they briefly commented on how hot I looked. I’ve always been very self-conscious, so this puffed me up a bit. I felt proud, but my praise vanished as soon as it appeared. My excitement was replaced with dread because the girls wanted to do karaoke.

As an incredibly shy kid, it was my absolute nightmare. I can still feel myself digging in my heels as my friends begged me to participate. I think I did, just in a single duet. I sang very softly, so as not to be heard, and to be easily overpowered by Tabi's quite skilled singing voice.

At some point, we ended up under a pagoda with shaded tables underneath it, talking for a while. Well, they were talking. I was quiet as usual. I only remember thinking how incredibly purple Tabi's freshly dyed hair was.

Soon, it was time to go home. It was already past when I told my mom I'd be home. She kept calling my little Snickers bar-looking Nokia phone. When we reached a stoplight, I finally answered and copped plenty of 15-year-old attitude. I hung up and started talking all kinds of shit before realizing my "end call" button press didn't take, and my mom was still on the line. Boy, was she mad, and I immediately had the wind taken out of my sails, and I felt terrible for being so mean. My mom is really kind, but you know, you act like a mean idiot sometimes when you’re a teen. The sun was setting, and I picked up the pace walking home.

A couple of remarks were made about how fancy I was because I lived in the commander housing area, which was brand new. They had a point, but I didn't get to tell them about the run-down, cockroach-infested base housing we had been living in just a couple of months before. Our new house was awesome, and remains probably the nicest house my family has ever lived in.

I arrived home, thoroughly embarrassed, my mom thoroughly furious. Her anger was doubled by the fact that my dad was currently deployed, and she had to deal with me all by herself. We got to talk to him every couple of days on the phone, always at scheduled times.

I hoped that Tabi and Amanda would invite me along again, even though I was sure they thought I was a too-quiet wet blanket. Tabi's visit was short, and I didn't get to see her again. I haven't seen her since. We remain friends on Facebook to this day, though. Of course.

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